In Nonviolent Communication, Dr Rosenberg recommends that “We take responsibility for our feelings, rather than blame other people, by acknowledging our own needs, desires, expectations, values, or thoughts”.
In the following sentences, select the sentences where the speaker is acknowledging responsibility for his or her feelings: (Yes or No)
- “You irritate me because you keep biting your nails in meetings”
- “I feel discouraged when you reject my ideas”
- “I am grateful that you brought some water for me because I needed to take my tablets now”
- “I feel happy that you got promoted”
- “I am disappointed that I couldn’t finish my task on time”
- “I am afraid of speaking up because the customer is often critical”
- “I got angry because your slides had spelling mistakes”
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Suggested Solution:
- No. Speaker is blaming his/her irritated feeling on the observed behaviour of colleague.
- No. Speaker believes his/her discouragement is because of other person’s behaviour. Would be better articulated: “I felt discouraged when you rejected my idea because I needed a boost to my self-image”. This way you are articulating the underlying need for your feeling.
- Yes. Speaker is associated feeling of gratefulness with his/her met need.
- No. To express his/her needs underlying the feeling, it would have been better to say, “I When your promotion was announced, I felt happy because I was hoping that you would be recognized for all your commitment and excellence over the years”.
- Yes. Speaker is taking responsibility for his/her feeling.
- No. Speaker is implying his/her fear is because of the customer’s behavioural tendencies. Better to express by calling out his/her need – “I need my ideas to be accepted to raise my confidence level in this role and hence I am afraid of speaking freely in front of the customer who tends to analyse ideas critically.”
- No. Speaker’s underlying need is not expressed. This sentence comes across as though the other person is responsible for the speaker’s anger.
4 Responses
Hi Shiv, I can relate to this, it is a real different world.
I was invited a few times to address students appearing for CET exams as an industry person and found it challenging to connect with them. I was able to connect somewhat as one of their concern was what if they do not get into a good college, which I was able to address by sharing real life examples.
Thanks Vasu. College “brand” no doubt helps early on in work life – corporate doors open more easily. But down the line, it is people’s motivation and track record that helps build careers. I am sure we have all seen examples affirming this. I have stressed with the mentees that I work with. An aside, the mentorship program I am involved in spans 4-5 months and so, I have had time to work on the “connect”! Yes – takes time and effort.
Hi Shiv – very well written – thanks for the write-up.
Many years ago I was a volunteer mentor for a couple of youth as part of Dream A Dream’s life skills mentoring program. This was in person mentoring where the mentee and I would meet periodically (usually on a weekend) and discuss general topics. There was no prescribed structure though all mentors did go thru a few hours of in person training. Based on that experience I can corroborate that it takes time for the mentee to open up, especially in that case given their lack of confidence in expressing in English which was the recommended language for communication. Switching to Tamil (in one case where the mentee was from Tamil Nadu) helped.
Can also relate well to your point on swings in mood and engagement level of the mentee and the need for mentor to shift gears accordingly.
I am sure the mentees are benefiting a lot from your vast and varied experience – hope you will come back to mentor more such students after you complete the current mentorships and possibly take a break!
Thank you, Bhasker!